Stupid Joke Thread

[Diamondsbylauren]

I have more....

then keep them coming ( or the fight will start...)

[ah2bqat]

Your wish is my command, D. 

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

[ah2bqat]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
Kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend...  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

[ah2bqat]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

[ah2bqat]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
The car, playing golf.  Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
Snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
Short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

[Mikla]

OMG!  I love these!  Thanks for posting them.

Mikla

[titania]

I'm still LOL over "I AM NOT HAPPY" .....

[ah2bqat]

Breaking News:
 
CNN just reported that BP replaced the oil well cap with a wedding ring,
and the well immediately stopped putting out.
 
More News at 11.

[Mikla]

 

[Sanchica27]

haha that's great!

[ah2bqat]

Putting Your Affairs in Order

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, Honey, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS!   Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those b**ches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[Mikla]

[oldmancoyote]

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart


A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow:  I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant:  I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!



























































 







 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 









Why are you scrolling down?  It's your turn to say something...

[joia]

OMC you are a bad bad boy.   

(I wasn´t caught of course, I am too smart for that, someone else told me  )

[djm195]

I wasn't caught either because every knows I'm way too young to ever fall for this joke.

[joia]

I wasn't caught either because every knows I'm way too young to ever fall for this joke.

HUH!   as my grandmother would say.

[joia]

 
The Talking Centipede
 
 
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
 
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
 
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,(100-legged bug),which came in a little white box to use for his house.
 
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
 
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
 
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
 
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
 
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
 
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
 
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
 
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
 
...
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ....
 
 
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

 
 
 
 

[ah2bqat]

 

[Awestruck]

A Bottle of Wine . . .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is cussing and yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be sign from God!
But you're still at fault....women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

[joia]

    Now, that was very very crafty and clever. 

[ah2bqat]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I were traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. ...
When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00. I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them," I said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."
''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

[ah2bqat]

A teacher gave  her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to tell  them a story with a moral at the end of it.  The next  day, the
kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their  stories.
 
  There were all  the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies
saved.  But then the teacher realized, much to her  dismay, that only Johnny
was left.
 
  "Johnny, do you  have a story to share?'
 
  ''Yes  ma'am.  My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was  a Marine
pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.   She had to bail out over
enemy territory, and all she had was  a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a
survival knife.
   
  She drank the  whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and
then  her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi  troops. She
shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out  of bullets, killed four
more with the knife, till the blade  broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands.
 
  ''Good Heavens,'  said the horrified teacher.  'What did your Daddy tell
you was the moral to this horrible story?
 
  "Don't mess with Mommy when she's been  drinking."

[joia]

 Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a new starter handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the pavement in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wadding, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'(I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Death, and the note to the teacher were my favourites.

[Mrs Mitchell]

From one of my friends, who'd better be kidding....

For my son's birthday we bought him an iPod, my daughter got an iPhone for hers. I was delighted to recive and iPad for my birthday.

Thinking along the same lines I got my wife an iRon for hers.

That's when the fight started