Stupid Joke Thread

[oldmancoyote]

Just a thought:

What if Claude had said "F*CK!" instead?

[djm195]

ROFL!!!

 

[Trinkette]

 





Mrs. M, your post is funny. Sorry  for your senior troubles. 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Just a thought:

What if Claude had said "F*CK!" instead?

Hahahahaha! I deleted my first post which said just exactly that! It wasn't a pretty image.

If we book Claude, I'll let you know how it goes though...

 

[ah2bqat]

Is there an age that the seniors lose their licenses to drive?  I know there should be.  We had a hard time convincing my Dad it was no longer his forte long about 86 - after all, his license was valid until he was 99! 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I don't think they drive badly because they're old, I just think they're selfish, in a "we were here first and for longer" sort of way. 

My father still has a driving license. He's 75, and pretty sharp so no problem there, but (oh, and this is a big ole but) he's also registered blind.

Does that scare anyone else?

He has damage to his peripheral vision and some black spots - his visual field is reduced enough to qualify him as blind and get him a discount on his TV license, but his visual accuity is still pretty near perfect, so he passes the annual sight test for driving. I find it difficult to think about for too long.

[annie1]

He has damage to his peripheral vision and some black spots - his visual field is reduced enough to qualify him as blind and get him a discount on his TV license, but his visual accuity is still pretty near perfect, so he passes the annual sight test for driving. I find it difficult to think about for too long.

Whoa there, TV license?  Explain, please.  Do you have to pay someone to have a TV there?

[oldmancoyote]

Not quite. You have to pay to use it; to some extent, as long as the BBC remains advert-free and produces good quality programmes, I don't mind, but since they have started to advertise their own magazines and other products, and the quality of programming has taken a turn for the worse, I used to resent it slightly.

In Italy it's even worse, though.

[Awestruck]

Annie
We pay roughly equivalent to $200 a year to use a TV in your property.
The lists of licensed addresses are kept on a database and there are TV detector vans which patrol and if they pickup a signal from an address which isn`t licenced then they can confiscate your TV and you could be summonsed and taken to Court.
Sounds archaic I agree ....

[Diamondsbylauren]

wow- is that $200 for each TV set?

I think the stupid joke thread is a perfect place for that!

[annie1]

Interesting!  The US government subsidizes public television stations here to some extent, so I suppose a small portion of our income taxes go to that.  I doubt a flat television fee would fly here politically since it would be a regressive type of tax.

I admit that the thought of a TV detector van driving around made me laugh out loud.  I wonder how much of the money they take in from the tax is spent on enforcement, lol.

(I'm in the middle of doing our taxes for three separate states today, so it seems that I have that on my brain.  )

[Awestruck]

LOL David I agree ...
In a domestic household then one licence covers all TV sets.
In certain other places such as sheltered housing for the elderly then one TV licence will cover all of the building even though it may comprise of separate small apartments or flats.
In other group housing such as student halls of residence or the hostel I worked in, then each room is supposed to have it`s own licence.
Only the Brits could think of this !

[Mrs Mitchell]

He has damage to his peripheral vision and some black spots - his visual field is reduced enough to qualify him as blind and get him a discount on his TV license, but his visual accuity is still pretty near perfect, so he passes the annual sight test for driving. I find it difficult to think about for too long.

Whoa there, TV license?  Explain, please.  Do you have to pay someone to have a TV there?

Um, I just told you that a blind pensioner is driving a car and you're worried about paying to watch tv?! Really?!

Many, many years ago, I got a visit from the tv detector van man. We dated for about 4 months after that and I never did get a licence...

[annie1]

Um, I just told you that a blind pensioner is driving a car and you're worried about paying to watch tv?! Really?!

Many, many years ago, I got a visit from the tv detector van man. We dated for about 4 months after that and I never did get a licence...

Haha!  Like I said, my mind is on taxes today.  After spending who knows how many hours filling out endless (thankfully, mostly virtual) piles of dry government forms, it's the only thing I've been thinking about.

It could also be the fact that I took auto insurance claims for three years while I was in school.  Trust me, I've pretty much heard it all when it comes to drivers that shouldn't be on the road. 

[Trinkette]

I'm sorry, it really does does sound funny... TV Police. Can you imagine being a detective assigned to TV duty? Except for the guy who dated Mrs. M., WHAT a snore!

[Trinkette]

BTW, nice work, Mrs. M! 

[Diamondsbylauren]

He has damage to his peripheral vision and some black spots - his visual field is reduced enough to qualify him as blind and get him a discount on his TV license, but his visual accuity is still pretty near perfect, so he passes the annual sight test for driving. I find it difficult to think about for too long.

Whoa there, TV license?  Explain, please.  Do you have to pay someone to have a TV there?

Um, I just told you that a blind pensioner is driving a car and you're worried about paying to watch tv?! Really?!

Many, many years ago, I got a visit from the tv detector van man. We dated for about 4 months after that and I never did get a licence...

This brings to mind a silly sketch from Monty Python

[Mrs Mitchell]

ROFL!!!

My secret is out. I have a whole attic room full of tv detector van men! 

Trinkette, they aren't real police, that's all they do. Just TV detecting. He was a nice man though, his family owned a soft fruit farm in the south of England and his mother had the most remarkable ruby necklace you ever saw. Like something from the Queen's private collection. Truly stunning. They grew nice raspberries, too.

Ok, I think I win the prize for taking a thread further from the original topic than anyone else, no?

Back to the jokes!

[djm195]

I'm sorry, it really does does sound funny... TV Police. Can you imagine being a detective assigned to TV duty? Except for the guy who dated Mrs. M., WHAT a snore!

I am freakin' crying over this one. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Jen, I don't know what it is with you but I always get these visuals of you in certain situations that crack me up so much.  Like....okay...picture Jen getting ready for a date with Mr TV Police. Buwhahahaha!!! Tell me....anyone...what 's the first thing that comes to your mind?

Seriously, the tears are flowing. ROFLMAO!!!!!

 

[joia]

What first comes to my mind? Absolutely  no room for anything else but that ruby necklace. LOL:

[Mrs Mitchell]

DJM, is the answer upside down heel shoes?

[Awestruck]

Oh I don`t know about being a licence inspector being a " snore ". I bet it`s hilarious judging by the article below ... this was in a national newspaper.

LONDON - Brit TV licence dodgers would go to any lengths to get out of paying for a licence, and some have even been revealed to go to the extent of using their pets and children as excuses for non-payment.


TV Licensing, which collects the 142.50 pounds annual fee, has compiled a list of the worst defences offered by the 280,000 people caught using a television without a licence this year.

Among the excuses was a TV owner who claimed that he only got the set so that his pet dog could watch television.

“My dog watches it while I’m at work to keep him company - not me,” the Telegraph quoted him as saying.

Another, caught red-handed, said: “The subtitles on my TV are set to French so I’m not paying a UK tax for something I can’t read.”

Other viewers blamed financial hardship for not getting a licence, with one man pleading: “My wife has her hair done twice a week, so we find it difficult to pay.”

Matrimonial problems provided inspiration for another man’s excuse, who claimed: “I haven’t renewed my licence because my wife flushed it down the toilet, along with my wallet.”

TV Licensing inspectors have become more successful in their attempts to identify evaders, helped by new hand-held devices that beep if an operating TV is within 29ft.

The gadgets represent a vast technological leap from the detector vans, which used to patrol streets with their unwieldy antennae.

For some of those caught in the most recent offensive, new technology was cited as their reason for not buying a licence.

“My husband has just spent 3,000 pounds on this massive flatscreen digital TV so we can’t possibly afford a licence,” one woman told officials.

In other cases, a woman blamed the non-payment on her baby being sick, while another blamed it on an animal.

“I couldn’t make my last payment as my baby was sick on my shoulder and I didn’t want to go to the shop smelling of sick because the guy I fancy works there,” she said.

In another far-fetched claim, a viewer said: “I have not been making payments because a baby magpie flew in to my house and I have had to stay in to feed it.”

“No matter how creative these excuses, people are breaking the law and risk prosecution and a fine of up to 1,000 pounds,” TV Licensing spokesman Jon Shaw said.

“We recognise some people may be struggling to pay and in this case we urge them to contact us so we can help them.

“One favourite excuse was the man who said he forgot to pay as his girlfriend had hit him over the head with a hammer.

“Others include the viewer who said he had an Asbo so couldn’t go into the village to pay, and one who said, ‘I can’t afford it. I have to pay my subscription for cable TV’,” he added. (ANI)

[joia]

Good excuses.   When I let the TV inspector in and then my husband had to pay the fine, with some quick thinking I blamed my husband and said that he, my husband,  had put me in a terrible situation as he knew I could never lie (LOL)(don´t forget the little tear just coming to the corner of my eye,  and he even said,  sorry, for once.

[joia]

 

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[djm195]

DJM, is the answer upside down heel shoes?

BINGO!!!
 ...with fishnet stockings ala The Graduate.