Stupid Joke Thread

[Diamondsbylauren]

Ummmm- can us dumb guys ask for an explanation?

There was a warning  David at the beginning  that men wouldn´t understand it. LOL:

what self respecting man reads instructions anyway?

[Trinkette]

 

[oldmancoyote]

Actually - I beg to differ. It's nothing to do with gender. It's all to do with whether one likes flowers. I got it.

[joia]

Actually - I beg to differ. It's nothing to do with gender. It's all to do with whether one likes flowers. I got it.

Or cakes!   

[oldmancoyote]

Given it's Passover, a joke about leaven is appropriate...

[joia]

Which reminds me, a happy Passover to all.  A Happy Easter too.

I have often wondered about the Spanish saying Pascoas, in the plural, I like to  think they are including both festivals.

[Mrs Mitchell]

I second that, Joia!

A happy and peacefull Passover and Easter to everyone. Hope you enjoy your holiday.

Jen

[ah2bqat]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

 Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
 
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.  He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
 
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
 
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
 
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

[joia]

LOL

[joia]

Pure logic.

Two men are chatting in a bar:

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol  eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks"..
 

[joia]

 
 
Job  Hunt
1.  My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, 
  but  I got canned. Couldn't  concentrate.

2.  Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but  just  couldn't  hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that,  I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it  --  mainly  because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried  working in a Muffler Factory, but  that 
  was  too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef -  figured it would add a little spice     
  to  my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next,  I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any  way  I  sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best  job was a Musician, but eventually found 
  I  wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to  become a Doctor, but didn't
  have  any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe  Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.


10. I became a Professional Fisherman,  but discovered
    I  couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to  get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance  Company, but the work was just too  draining.


12. So then I got a job in a Workout  Center, but they said I  wasn't  fit for the job.


13. After many years of trying to find  steady work, I finally got  a  job as a Historian - until I realized there was no  future in it.

14. My last job was working in  Starbucks, but had to quit  because 
    it  was the same old grind.

15.  SO,  I TRIED Retirement  AND  FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE  JOB!         
 

 

[joia]

This one is for djm.....


Bob
Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing
in Europe... as it happens,
near Transylvania. They were driving in a
rental car along a rather deserted highway.
 It was late and raining very hard. Bob
could barely see the road in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob
attempts to control the car, but to no avail!
The car swerves and smashes into a
tree.

 
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and
sees his wife unconscious, with her head
bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar
countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical
assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging
down the road. After a short while, he sees a
light. He heads towards the light, which is
coming from a large, old house. He approaches
the door and
knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the
door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello,
my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife
has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your
phone?"
 
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but
we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor;
come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm
afraid my assistant may have misled
you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist..
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic,
and I have had a basic medical training. I will
see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the
laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her
downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor
places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob
collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries,
so Igor places Bob on an adjoining
table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks
worried. "Things are serious, Igor.
Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no
avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly.
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his
conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For
it is here that he has always found solace. He
begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting
melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes
catch movement, and he notices the fingers on
Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the
haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as
Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He
is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up
straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to
the conservatory.
 He bursts in and shouts to his master:

 
"Master, Master!
.....
The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
 
(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that one
coming)

[djm195]

LMAO!!! It is so stupid it is funny. Don't get me started on that musical....lol. 

[Trinkette]

How is it that such a stupid joke can still be funny? Still, even more stupid, is the fact that when I began reading the joke, I wondered why the couple had been given a last name to begin with... 


*SIGH*

I guess, a stupid joke is only as stupid as the stupid person reading it... 

[ah2bqat]

I dunno, T.  I sort of enjoyed being blind-sided by the obvious. 

My darling SD was in a car accident coming home from prom Saturday night.  The car was totalled, She and her boyfriend appear to be ok except for requisite bruises, cuts, and a minor concussion on her part. Twelve hours later we find out the little shit  my DSS is smoking pot often enough to own a bong at just 14! I just finished our taxes today for the year and needed ANYTHING to smile over.  Especially since DH has become a book-thumping member of AA and I can't even have a glass of wine in my own house. (wah wah wah) 

I really NEEDED a Stupid Joke today!

[joia]

I am always good for a stupid joke ah2bqat, I have always loved puns, that is every since I was about 4 years old and that was a long long time ago.
Anyway that is the name of this thread "stupid jokes" no intelligent jokes should be allowed. LOL:
I hope that your troubles will clear up soon.  Joia.

[ah2bqat]

sorry about the blurt.  It was an extraordinarily tough day. 

So here's one for all the girls in the group!

A group of 40 year old women discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waiters
are cute and buff.
 
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss where they
should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the food is very good and the wine selection is
excellent.
 
10 years later at 60 years of age, the girls once again discuss where they
should meet for dinner. Finally they agree to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant
has a beautiful view of the ocean.
 
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss where they
should meet for dinner. Finally they agree to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even
have an elevator.
 
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the girls once again discuss where they
should meet  for dinner. Finally they agree to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because they have never been there before.

[Trinkette]

AH-HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
 

[Diamondsbylauren]

Ok...in light of that one, I'll post this one....


It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .
 
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
 
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
 
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
 
Claude was never invited back to entertain.

[ah2bqat]

 
LOL - guess I want to dance from the ceiling on that one!

[Trinkette]

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I actually got DH to laugh out loud with those last two. He usually just sits and looks at me when I read this thread to him.

Ah2, you've had a rough few days, I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. Good to know the accident wasn't more serious, though. Someone must have been watching over them.

Jen

[titania]

I'm bad at jokes but they are so good on this thread that i'm constantly checking it. The Sound of Music, Senior Center, and Ocean View reunion jokes are too funny. LMAO.

[djm195]

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
 
Claude was never invited back to entertain.

OMG...who thinks of naming the hypnotist "Claude"?  That cracks me up as much as the joke. LMAO.

CLAUDE!!!!!  Buwhahahaha!!!!!!!

[Mrs Mitchell]

I loved that one because there's a seniors centre at the end of the road where I live.

These people are the worst neighbours I ever had - just because you're old does not mean you can stop you car and get out of it. YOU NEED TO PARK IT SOMEWHERE. Our house is regularly inaccessible to us (and therefore the fire service etc) because of the people using the senior centre. Also, they're rude when we ask them to move.

I want to book Claude for their Christmas party. Every. Single. Year.