Stupid Joke Thread

[Mrs Mitchell]

Ah, but your dog is very cute!

Hahaha. 

[joia]

Does your dog look like this OMC?   

http://www.youtube.c.../watch?v=gEY9BVxYQUU

This makes me smile too.

[oldmancoyote]

Not quite, but if I hold him on my lap he makes a similar face (except he's about 70 lbs)...

[oldmancoyote]

Can't remember if this was already posted here, but anyway...

A guy wakes up one morning to find that a gorilla has taken residence on the tree in his front yard, and sits there quietly eating some leaves. Understandably he is quite worried - after all the beast must be at least 250 lbs - but he does not quite know what to do. He starts looking at "pest control" on Yellow Pages, and he finds this ad for "ACME - Ape Capture and Monkey Extermination", which he calls.

In a matter of minutes, an ACME van arrives, and the driver dismounts. The guy shows him the gorilla - who is still munching peacefully on the tree. The ACME man hums a bit, then says "No problem. It's a male, so the simple Chihuahua method will work; come with me, I'll need some help."

- Will it be dangerous?

- Not at all, certainly not for you.

So they head back to the van, and the ACME man pulls out a rather sleepy Chihuahua, a gun, a pair of handcuffs with a longish chain attached and a long stick. He hands the gun to the guy, then he says

- It's pretty easy, really. I'll clamber up the tree, and start rustling the leaves with the stick. The gorilla is curious, so it'll come to see what it is.

- Then I shoot it?

- No. Then I beat it on hands and feet with the stick, so it loses balance and falls down to the ground.

- Then I shoot it?

- No. Then the Chihuahua gets to work. It's a specially trained dog, and it will attack the gorilla. It will bite its privates, and won't let go, no matter what. This will cause the gorilla to grab its own crotch, but it can't pull the Chihuahua away because the dog is trained to bite harder when he's pulled. In this way the gorilla is incapacitated.

- Ah. So then I shoot it?

- No. Then I come down from the tree, put the handcuffs on, and lead him to the cage in the van. Your problem solved. Easy?

- OK, easy, but what do I have the gun for?

- Well, that's just for safety, you know, just in case I lose my balance and fall from the tree.

- Ah, I see, then I shoot the gorilla.

- NO! You shoot the Chihuahua!

[joia]

Hilarious.     

[Mrs Mitchell]

OMC, you would shake your head and disown me if you knew how many times I had to read that before I got it. I've lost my sense of humour on the same day that I started my Chartered Accountancy classes. Coincidence?

When I did get it, I laughed!

[Trinkette]

[TRINKETTE DISCLAIMER: I'm sorry, I don't use "colorful" language on the forum... however, this just HAS to read as I received it today].


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.



We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.


When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a BIG RED MARK on his f***ing forehead.



Maybe next time, he'll buy me a diamond. 

[ah2bqat]

Yes!    Yes, YES!!      

[joia]

 An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[Trinkette]

Welcome to my world. It's coming... 

[joia]

   Me too, unfortunately).

[Diamondsbylauren]

Let me tell you guys something......


Wait, what was I about to say???

[oldmancoyote]

- Martha, what was the name of that German chap for whom I said I'd forget everything?

- Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer

[Diamondsbylauren]

A robber walks into a bank.
He pulls out a gun.
"give me the money" he tells the teller.
After he gets the money he shoots and kills the teller

"Did you see what I just did?" he asks the guy behind him on line.
"Yes!" the guy says
The robber shoots that guy and turns to the lady behind him on line

"Did you see what I just did?"

"No, but my husband did"

[Mrs Mitchell]

Hey. I think my neighbour saw it too. The neighbour who has been cutting his hedge with a chain saw for about 39 hours now...

[joia]

A couple of women, Janice and Sherrill, were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. Sherill, the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. Sherrill rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell"
 
 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Hahahahaha!

[joia]

>
>>>   Who Is Frank Feldman?
>>> A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just  going by. He gets
>>> into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just  like
>>> Frank."
>>>
>>> Passenger: "Who?"
>>> Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything  right all the
>>> time.
>>> Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like  that
>>> to Frank Feldman every single time."
>>>
>>> Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
>>>
>>> Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
>>> He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with  the
>>> pros.
>>> He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star  and you
>>> should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing  guy."
>>>
>>> Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
>>>
>>> Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He
>>> remembered
>>> everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to  order and
>>> which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
>>> Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks  out.
>>> But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
>>>
>>> Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
>>>
>>> Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and  avoid
>>> traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in  them.
>>> But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really  knew how to treat a
>>> woman
>>> and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if  she was
>>> in
>>> the
>>> wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly  polished
>>> too.
>>> He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
>>> No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
>>>
>>> Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
>>>
>>> Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ...
>>> I'm married to his widow."
>>
>

[joia]

This one is for the ladies only as the men just won´t understand it.



Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental

factors.

 

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the

instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things

that are important to each other.'

 

He addressed the men:

 

Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

 

Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,

 

'Self-Raising, isn't it?'

 

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.

 

 

[Trinkette]

 

Very, very funny, Joia.

[Mrs Mitchell]

LOL!

[Diamondsbylauren]

Ummmm- can us dumb guys ask for an explanation?

[Trinkette]

  (Now, if this isn't MOST appropriate use of a smiley, then, I don't know what is...)

[oldmancoyote]

A self-raising flower is one that needs no pruning, feeding, pesticides or watering. It puts on little legs and does everything by itself. I don't understand why Julie does not like them.

[joia]

Ummmm- can us dumb guys ask for an explanation?

There was a warning  David at the beginning  that men wouldn´t understand it. LOL: