Stupid Joke Thread

[Sparkly-OCD]

    Loved it!  Thanks OMC!

[Mikla]

What a hoot!  Thanks for sharing.

Mikla

[oldmancoyote]

And since another member has kindly outed me when resting...

Happy New Year to everybody!

[joia]

OK it is a bad one but....

Happy New Year everyone.


 
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven:

1st woman:    Hi!  Wanda.

2nd woman:   Hi!  Sylvia. How'd you die?
 
1st woman:    I froze to death.

2nd woman:   How horrible!

1st woman:    It wasn't so bad.  After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

2nd woman:   I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
 
1st woman:     So, what happened?

2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.   
 
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.


1st woman:     Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[Trinkette]

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Hahahahaha!

[oldmancoyote]

Good one!

Slight variant with three guys showing up at the pearly gates - one fully dressed, one in shirt and trousers and one totally naked. The guy who was fully dressed was coming back from the movies, and tried to open the wrong car. The guy in shirt sleeves came home late from the office, and thought someone was trying to steal his car, so he threw the first thing he had to hand through the window - a large trunk - and his heart gave up. The naked guy was in the trunk.

[Diamondsbylauren]

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
 
                                               
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice  and strain your nuts.


Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

[ah2bqat]

 The other night I was invited out for a  night with the 'girls'.  I told my husband  that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
 
Well, the hours  passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
 
Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
 
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up  and cuckooed 3 times.   Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
 
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a  possible conflict with him.  (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equals 12 cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!).
 

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him  "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem angry in the least.  (Phew, I got away with that one!)

Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock".
 
When I asked him why, he said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said "oh shit".   Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice
 more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!   

[Trinkette]

 

[Mikla]

That's great!   

[oldmancoyote]

[Mrs Mitchell]

I love the recipe. I might make Cointreau cookies later. I'm sure it's a similar technique.

[ah2bqat]

I tried making Absolut* cookies, but unfortuantely ended up passed out with all the fruits on the floor.  This is not a receipe for lightweights! 

[ah2bqat]

These just made the rounds at my office.  I'm sure they aren't all from north Florida, but they are all pretty funny.  These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS ) appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'  The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you..
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.   They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.   So ends a friendship that began in their school days..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is  Hell?'   Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.    Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.   They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.   Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------- -------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.    All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday..
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.    Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.   The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.   Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. '

[Trinkette]

 

Those are GREAT! Absolutely hilarious... And, not ONE disappoints. 

[oldmancoyote]

The ways of the Lord know no bounds.

[Sparkly-OCD]

I enjoyed those, Ah2bqat, thanks!

[Mrs Mitchell]

I just tried the cookie recipe. They serve these particular cookies in a Mexican restaurant near my house. I had four or five 'cookies' and can confirm that they are rather good.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

David,
I think there's something wrong with your cookie recipe. I followed it to the letter last night and I feel TERRIBLE this morning!

[oldmancoyote]

Wothing nong rit the wecipe. I tup the wishdasher on, and can't remember a thing afterwards.

[Mikla]

Sounds like it turned out perfectly!   

[carole]

Haha, interesting jokes. I really enjoy them.

[Mrs Mitchell]

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.
 
"What would you like for dinner, sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
 
He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
 
She called back, "F*ck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."


(I take no responsiblility for this joke, GracefulLion sent it to me in an email  )

[oldmancoyote]

Joke? DW says that almost every evening to me - except it's the dog instead of the cat.